Hey, Loves! Brody and I took Noelia to Mulhall’s this past weekend to see live reindeer and she LOVED it. Mulhall’s is one of our go-to spots to fill our Saturday mornings with fun for Noelia and fun for this Mama shopping wise ;). My favorite time of year to come is Christmas. They decorate the place so incredibly cute and every corner is just charming!! So photo worthy. I love seeing other families taking photos and other mama’s bringing in their huge cameras to snap photos of their babes…I just love it!
Here is a peak at our trip and I am also giving the real on my thoughts on motherhood lately. I get pretty vulnerable and deep with this post but It has been a message that God has put on my heart to share. XOXO Enjoy.
I mean…first things first! This girl gets dowwwwwn with the sweets (like her mama) and she is seriously my spirit animal. I love those little cheeks to death!
Noelia’s outfit deets in other color options
Goodness…how do I even begin this post? Motherhood is beautiful. I mean truly…deeply…wholeheartedly beautiful. I never in my life thought that I would enjoy being a mother like I do now. I love it with every fiber of my being. I really didn’t think I would be the person to love it. I always viewed it as hard work, unglamorous, tiring, repetitive, and countless other things…and the funny thing is I was right! But with that being said, the love you have for your child masks all of that. There is nothing on earth I wouldn’t do for my baby girl and I am so grateful that God chose me to be her mama. It wasn’t until I became a mom that I really understood the Lord’s love and how He views us as His children. I look at her and think…”no matter what happens and where you go in life…I will always love you and care for you.” That is exactly how God views us and I am blown away that He views me as His the way I view Noelia as mine.
With that being said, though, I carry a lot of guilt with me. When I found out I was going to be a mommy, I was less than happy. I was crushed. I fell to the floor in tears because It wasn’t in “my plan”. I always thought kids were in the future, when it was the most convenient for me and my life with Brody. I had plans to do fitness shows and to one day audition for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Dance and fitness were/are my passion and I had this thought in my mind that myself and my dreams were the priority over kids. I remember those first few weeks of knowing I was pregnant just mad. Disgusted. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that God wanted to make me a mommy at the point in my life that Brody and I were “supposed” to start our lives together and enjoy time alone as a couple. I remember crying countless nights thinking “I can’t do this…I can’t be a mom. I won’t be a good mom, God!”
Then…I woke up. God told me, “This is the plan I have for you. A beautiful plan that will unfold the greatest desires of your heart. Trust me.” So, I did. After awakening and realizing my selfishness and my poor behavior and attitude I began to live again and become excited for this new life! But with that came great regret and guilt. The thought that I didn’t want my child at first. The disgust in myself was/is overwhelming and I still battle with it. How could I not want this life? This precious life given to me? There are so many people who try and try and sometimes discover children are not in their future the “natural” way and I am over here complaining! I was just so disgusted with myself!
It was when I saw our daughter on the ultrasound for the first time that I broke down in true happiness. I saw her flip and flop and that heart flutter like crazy!! God was showing me my greatest blessing and my future best friend. That was the day I became at peace with His plan and I will never forget it.
Her love for animals is precious. She asks us all the time to go see animals (zoo) so taking her this day was a no brainer.
You know the saying “The two greatest days of your life are the day you were born and the day you discover why”? It is sooooo incredibly true…I was made to be a mommy!! The day we welcomed Noelia was the greatest day of my life. God confirmed in me His plan and I bawl every time I think about it (like now writing this post!). He truly knows the greatest desires of our hearts! She is my shadow and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get so mad at myself for originally thinking motherhood stops your life. THAT IS FALSE. Do not let anyone EVER tell you this. Your life begins!! I still do the things that I love and I even competed in a fitness show after she was born. Of course things are 10x more difficult to do but when there is a will there is a way. There is nothing like doing your passions and seeing your child watch you. Noelia was in the crowd during my fitness show, she is there when I take my blog pictures, and she is the first one to smile and wave when I sing worship at church. I love her so incredibly much!
I rarely get a smile out of her for pictures anymore but she’s so dang cute I don’t even care! Her beauty is enough for me!
Outfit deets. My hat I purchased from Foi Clothing but found similar styles below. My top is exact but shown in black.
I often get comments, messages and emails about how my family and I seem so “perfect” or the question “How do you guys do it?!”. I am flattered at those comments but at the same time saddened because we are soooo far from perfect it is comical. Social media is such a high-light reel and I fall short of posting more of the raw. We really are happy but we are also really dysfunctional…and I am at the top of that list…
I have always been someone who deals with anxiety and stress, but it definitely has gotten worse since I became a mom. It is a daily battle between “am I going to blow up today” or just letting it go. My natural tendency is to blow up and I hate it. The smallest thing can set me off and it is sooo hard for me. Messes and such set it off and that is a given with kids. I try my best to let things go but I fail. I ask God everyday to help me! I am so thankful for His grace and the grace of my family. My anxiety also lives just in my brain where every scenario possible shows up. “Is today the day I will get in a car accident with her? Am I going to get the worst phone call of my life today?” I mean it goes on and on. I live in fear everyday. I am always on edge with her in public…I know its normal (Mama bear and all) but I feel like I’m over the top. My dad is a cop so I have heard all the stories and all the horror that happens in our communities and it just haunts me. I can’t even turn on the news without putting us in the situation and crying…UGH!
I will never forget my absolute worst nightmare. I have the most vivid dreams (I call it my curse) and one night it was unbearable. I dreamt we had lost Noelia and it was so painful to live through I could barely stand it. My mind was telling me to wake up but my dream kept me in it for so long torturing me. When I finally came out of it, it was to Brody waking me up and I was just bawling. I mean it took me a good 5 minutes to tell myself it wasn’t real. I bolted into Noelia’s room and just held her while she slept…crying…pleading to God that this may never be my reality. I will never forget that dream and to this day it still haunts me.
The devil is a thief and he tries his best to steal our happiness and our faith in God every which way that he can but I refuse to let him win! Although my anxiety is overwhelming at times I have learned that I can control it and I will control it. I don’t want my daughter to pick up on my faults and see how I react to certain situations or live in fear due to the thoughts in my head. I try my best everyday to be the best for her and I know I can do it. I. WILL. DO IT.
She rode this horse for literally 15 minutes and loved it! People kept stopping by to tell her how beautiful she was and how she could sell that horse!
Through every trial and joy that motherhood brings, I am so thankful for it all. All the messes, the kisses, the tantrums, the spilled juice and cracker mess in my car, the nighttime giggles, the snuggles, it is ALL worth it.
The biggest thing I want you all to take away from this is that “our plan” doesn’t always happen the way we think or want at the time and that is okay. Faith can be hard and it is tested in times when our flesh wants the opposite. If it wasn’t for Noelia I would be a very different person than I am now and it scares me to think about it. I love more, I love harder, I pray more, I pray harder, I am more thankful, more happy, more everything…all because one little girl came into our lives and rocked our world! I cannot wait to one day give her a sibling and love on another child that God blesses us with. If only I could show people how she has transformed my life! God is SO good! The days may be long and my to-do list triples in size each day, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. If you are someone who is unsure about giving this mother thing a go…please trust me and let your worries go. Do not let the world tell you what motherhood isn’t. The body excuses, the time excuses, the money excuses….all of it. Let it go.
I would love to hear other Mama’s (or Daddy’s) thoughts on motherhood/parenthood and the obstacles you face in the everyday and the mundane. If this post has touched you in anyway please comment below or send me a email. I would love to hear.