Hey, my Beautiful Readers! It has been a hot minute since I have done a Motherhood update, but no better time than the present! Especially being 26 weeks pregnant (wow, already?!). Today’s post will be a long one, but one worth reading. This second pregnancy has been nothing short of beautiful, but it has been thinking about this Mom Guilt and it will ever get better? Or does it get worse? Does each child bring on new guilt or is it just added onto the last? I know these may be silly questions to some, but they are ones that I struggle with…especially with my the experience I had with my first pregnancy. Now let’s read on to get to the “meat” of this post…
Motherhood is beautiful. I mean truly…deeply…wholeheartedly beautiful. I never in my life thought that I would enjoy being a mother like I do now. I love it with every fiber of my being. I really didn’t think I would be the person to love it. I always viewed it as hard work, unglamorous, tiring, repetitive, and countless other things…and the funny thing is I was right! But with that being said, the love you have for your child masks all of that. There is nothing on earth I wouldn’t do for my baby girl and I am so grateful that God chose me to be her mama. It wasn’t until I became a mom that I really understood the Lord’s love and how He views us as His children. I look at her and think…”no matter what happens and where you go in life…I will always love you and care for you.” That is exactly how God views us and I am blown away that He views me as His the way I view Noelia as mine.
With that being said, I carry a lot of guilt with me. When I found out I was going to be a mommy, I was less than happy. I was crushed. I fell to the floor in tears because It wasn’t in “my plan”. I always thought kids were in the future, when it was the most convenient for me and my life with Brody. I had plans to do fitness shows and to one day audition for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Dance and fitness were/are my passion and I had this thought in my mind that myself and my dreams were the priority over kids. I remember those first few weeks of knowing I was pregnant just mad. Disgusted. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that God wanted to make me a mommy at the point in my life that Brody and I were “supposed” to start our lives together and enjoy time alone as a couple. I remember crying countless nights thinking “I can’t do this…I can’t be a mom. I won’t be a good mom, God!”
Then…I woke up. God told me, “This is the plan I have for you. A beautiful plan that will unfold the greatest desires of your heart. Trust me.” So, I did. After awakening and realizing my selfishness and my poor behavior and attitude I began to live again and become excited for this new life! But with that came great regret and guilt. The thought that I didn’t want my child at first. The disgust in myself was/is overwhelming and I still battle with it. How could I not want this life? This precious life given to me? There are so many people who try and try and sometimes discover children are not in their future the “natural” way and I am over here complaining! I was just so disgusted with myself!
It was when I saw our daughter on the ultrasound for the first time that I broke down in true happiness. I saw her flip and flop and that heart flutter like crazy!! God was showing me my greatest blessing and my future best friend. That was the day I became at peace with His plan and I will never forget it. Now that I am pregnant with my second, I do have some fears that have flooded my mind from time to time.
“Will Noelia resent me?”
“Will Noelia feel unloved?”
Will Noelia’s personality change?”
“How will I be able to be ‘okay’ leaving two kids at home for Mommy time?”
“Will I ever even get Mommy time?”
I mean the list really can go on and on! The fact that our family dynamic of 3 (or 4 if you include Bernard) is going to drastically change and I would by lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I know all mama’s say your love just explodes with each kid but I just cannot wrap my head around it yet. Of course I know I will LOVE them, but loving them how I love Noelia still mind blows me! I know each babe will be loved in their each, unique way…I guess I am just nervous for it. Please tell me these feelings are normal!!? But as we prepare for this special babe, I know deep down that God has a great plan for our family and for our children. Brody and I cannot wait to watch our little babies grow up and watch God’s plan unfold before our eyes.
You know the saying “The two greatest days of your life are the day you were born and the day you discover why”? It is sooooo incredibly true…I was made to be a mommy!! The day we welcomed Noelia was the greatest day of my life. God confirmed in me His plan and I bawl every time I think about it (like now writing this post!). He truly knows the greatest desires of our hearts! She is my shadow and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get so mad at myself for originally thinking motherhood stops your life. THAT IS FALSE. Do not let anyone EVER tell you this. Your life begins!! I still do the things that I love and I even competed in a fitness show after she was born. Of course things are 10x more difficult to do but when there is a will there is a way. There is nothing like doing your passions and seeing your child watch you. Noelia was in the crowd during my fitness show, she is there when I take my blog pictures, and she is the first one to smile and wave when I sing worship at church. I love her so incredibly much!
The biggest thing I want you all to take away from this is that “our plan” doesn’t always happen the way we think or want at the time and that is okay. Faith can be hard and it is tested in times when our flesh wants the opposite. If it wasn’t for Noelia I would be a very different person than I am now and it scares me to think about it. I love more, I love harder, I pray more, I pray harder, I am more thankful, more happy, more everything…all because one little girl came into our lives and rocked our world! I cannot wait to one day give her a sibling and love on another child that God blesses us with. If only I could show people how she has transformed my life! God is SO good! The days may be long and my to-do list triples in size each day, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. If you are someone who is unsure about giving this mother thing a go…please trust me and let your worries go. Do not let the world tell you what motherhood isn’t. The body excuses, the time excuses, the money excuses….all of it. Let it go.
My everything…Mi Vida!!
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